HoHoHo

December 18, 2017

When Mom died, Swad (my pastor and dear friend) and Dad delivered the news to my brother and me together. I could be remembering it all wrong. I was just within a month of my fifth birthday, but since I've thought about that day about every day since then, I think I might be spot on. 

There are many layers to what happened when Mom died. I think the most interesting nuggets, though, are what happened in the wake of her death. 

Some things I won't say here. Some people don't appreciate my sharing. I get it.

She died on January 20. I have no memory of a Christmas or a birthday with her. 

But I do know that my stepmother, Nyds, took one for the team and did a family Christmas with her husband's dead wife's family every year. She did it. For us. 

The holidays. Wear. Me. Out. But when I think about what Nydia selflessly did for years, I know that I can find somewhere the strength to power through.

Swad navigated my tortured family through it all. And his beautiful wife, Betts, did the same. They have suffered loss as horrific as mine. But guess what? We all still laugh. We all still find a way.

Merry Christmas, folks. Every day I realize we are stronger than we knew. But as difficult and awkward as it may have been, I'd give my left non-existent nut for another Christmas with Nanny and Nydia. 😂😂😂

HoHoHo, sweet friends. All my love.

Sushi!

December 16, 2017

It was my last year coaching debate, and one of my last invitational tournaments. In this picture, my dear friend (and then senior) Chase, is begging me to skip quarterfinals of debate and go eat sushi.

It wasn't the most professional thing I've ever done, but I caved. He and Doug forfeited quarters and a sizable group of us went for sushi. If memory serves, we got back for the awards ceremony and won the tournament.

In that last year of coaching, I felt some of my standards slip. I had been so "balls to the wall" for so long, and, while I always wanted my students to do their best, I no longer could garner the motivation to crack the whip as I had. Instead, I had the absolute best time. I nurtured relationships with students who have become the truest friends. I made some memories. I skipped out on a debate round and had a lovely dinner.

Interestingly enough, that year we qualified more students to nationals than we had in years. Maybe the balls don't need to be to the wall. Maybe, sometimes, it's okay to eat a California roll and laugh and trust that what we've all learned together will be enough. 

Chase, thanks for the plea. It worked like a charm.

Eyes Wide Open

December 14, 2017

I have horrid insomnia. Since Drew was born, I can think of a handful of nights through which I slept. It's usually the 3-5am hours that find me wide-eyed. But there are variations on the theme.

And so it is that I find myself tonight. Or this morning, I suppose.

I've made a pledge of late that I won't allow the puppies (who aren't puppies) upstairs anymore. I had the carpets cleaned a week ago and I stuck to my weak promise for a while. But when I woke up at two, I decided the pledge lacked the allure of two sweet canines who stick to me like glue, given the opportunity. So now I'm flanked with doggies and watching Netflix. There are worse things.

I'm currently embroiled in "The Crown." It's a fictitious (maybe?) glimpse into the monarchy of England. It is engaging and beautifully acted. But as I watch now with the eyes of a crazed insomniac, it only confirms my staunch theory that marriage is something I cannot fathom ever again willingly choosing to choose. I do understand that there are people who are happily married--or so they claim. 

I am happy for those who find someone with whom it's not a noose around one's neck; or a prison sentence. I do believe it's possible. For me--and apparently for Queen Elizabeth in fictional 1959--it seems unkind. I wish to throttle Prince Philip, and I don't even know him.

Life, insomnia, dog ownership, are such mountains to climb. But freedom...my freedom...it just doesn't get any better. Even wide-eyed at 3am.

For my happily married friends, I salute you. For all the rest, this life on the other side is magical. Even if you're tired.