My Gut

October 5, 2015

There are many "gut-check" moments in life: moments when the blood rushes only to vital organs, when you have to decide who you are, acknowledge what you've done or NOT done, and likely face consequences of this or that or escape a noose that belongs not around your particular neck. At such junctures in life, my dad always observes, "there comes a time when everybody has to take their clothes off and show what you got."

I love Dad.

Of course, he has also wisely quipped that, "it's like the skunk making love to the squirrel: I've not had all I want, but all I can stand."

Interestingly enough, both of these Bill Rowe-isms can apply to the check of the proverbial gut.

I told a pal of mine the other day that a scene in the Julia Roberts movie "Notting Hill" sums up said experiences when the sketchy bloke who plays Hugh Grant's roommate warns him, "I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins." That's about right.

In the past couple years, I have experienced a plentiful and unique combo of "put on your big girl panties" realities. I've been at fault, I've been relieved, I've been wrong, I've been resolved, and a few times I've been right. Last year I faced a "big girl" moment and I crumbled. Nah--I didn't just crumble. There was crumbling, then stomping, then smoldering piles of ash where Nance used to be.  As I searched through the rubble for my jock strap and/or spine, I learned plenty. Mostly I learned that I NEVER wanted to be weak like that again.

So far, so good.

Since that time, I've grown up and I've grown in. Turning to smoldering ash can do that to a gal. In the past couple of months--today included--I have held onto my gut, checked it, and rolled on when my former self might have caved. Gratefully, I still have the oxygen I need.

What was it Churchill said? "We have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy." I didn't help lead the Allies to victory in WWII, but we each battle every day to survive, to love, to be happy, to make it to the other side...even when the clothes are off, the balls look like raisins and the skunk is mercifully off the squirrel.

And one more thing...

"But even when the moon looks like it's waning...it's actually never changing shape. Don't ever forget that."

Ai Yazawa, Nana, Vol. 14 

I keep looking up.