Unpack Your Bags

October 15, 2015

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Of all the comings and goings of emotions in my life, the one constant has always been guilt.  

Guilt has its place, don’t get me wrong:  it keeps me from eating too much (usually), it gets me off my ass and into my running shoes or on my bike daily, it forced obsessive studying when I was a student and endless hours of driven work as a teacher.  It can be an excellent motivator.  But even then I’m not sure it’s the best tool in the shed.

Of course, guilt SHOULD be the appropriate response when one has misbehaved, right?.  I SHOULD feel guilt-ridden and repentant when I’ve sinned against the good Lord or His humanity.  Isn’t that what conviction is?  Isn’t that the conscience in motion?

Unfortunately for me, guilt has been a weapon more than a conscientious objector or motivator.  It was THE way I grew up: be good, do what you are told, do what you should so as not to disappoint ____________, do what makes everyone else happy or feel REALLY bad about it/yourself. REALLY. And please, beat yourself up if everything isn’t peachy keen.  The result?  I spent the first few decades of my life doing what I had to do to keep from feeling guilty for not making happy those who needed me to behave in such a way as to make them happy.  That’s a mouthful. 

That seemed to roll on with seeming success for a while.  The trouble is, though, that a life governed by guilt is unsustainable.  In my case, I ran out of juice.  

When I had my children, I vowed not to use guilt on them.  For the most part, I’ve been successful.  Or I’ll say this:  when I’ve slipped and tried to guilt them into some behavior I see fitting, it hasn’t worked.  They are immune.  It is a potion that I’m happy to report bubbles right off them.  I’m glad.  They are well-behaved kiddos.  But their behavior isn’t based on avoiding feeling like shit if they make me (or another power player in their lives) upset.  That might be a side effect, but it’s not the guiding principle.

As I’ve developed a resistance to the destructive brand of guilt this past year or so, I’ve discovered a power in making choices based on what is best, what is healthy, what is productive, what is right…not on what will avoid the judgment or disapproval of people I love (or even those I can’t stand).  That doesn’t translate to behaving selfishly. On the contrary:  It translates to being happy.  I don’t have to disregard the happiness of others to be happy myself; but I sure as hell don’t have to be so consumed with everyone else’s happiness that I’m too miserable to breathe.

So I’ll pass on the guilt trip.  Been there done that.  I have better journeys to take and destinations to seek.  And you know what?  The view is much better from here.