Erma

June 11, 2018

I have regrettable insomnia. Nearly every night between 3 and 5am, I'm up. Call me.

Tonight/this morning, my son and my dog are both snoring beside me. I honestly love the sound. When Drew picked the dog up from the foot of the bed and slid him between us, I was particularly amused. And now Oscar's hot breath, at 4:45 am, is charming.

To fill the moments of the middle night, I decided to read some Erma Bombeck. Here are some gems that make me think we could have been best friends:

Housework can kill you if done right.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Thank you, Erma. Just when I think I'm off the grid, I know at least one other person was once there, too.