May 9 Nugget

May, 9, 2015

Ah, Mother's Day...

"Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

— Rita Rudner

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"

— Steven Wright

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

— Paula Poundstone

"My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend."

— Rodney Dangerfield