When horrific things happen, I tend to dwell on them. I try to make sense of them. I tend to fail at the sense-making.
In the wake of the Florida school shooting I have obsessed, then turned away, then considered what I would do if my child had been killed or hurt. I'm afraid all my feelings about guns and mercy and grace would combust if some asshole sonofabitch killed or hurt Gracie or Drew.
My heart aches constantly for the ones in the mire of this loss.
I grew up in the church. I grew up in the arms of mercy and grace. I have failed again and again in the wake of my upbringing. Perhaps because I have a child the age of these victims, I am struggling more than ever to understand what is happening. I love Jesus. But why oh why must we live in a fallen world? We have an omnipotent God. Did He HAVE to create a weak-kneed apple eater? (And I'm still not over it being a woman, p.s.) Couldn't he have instilled a tad more spine and moral fortitude in all of us so I, for example, wouldn't have so many personal hot mess moments? And so complete horrors like school shootings, rapes, murders, abuse wouldn't happen?
I am sure there is a Bible study or several sermons that could assuage my complete malaise. I am sure I should find them. For now, I pray for answers and forgiveness for questioning the Almighty. Because I don't get it. At. All.
I have faith. But that's all I have. And sometimes, it trembles.
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