Thin Skin

"I know I have a heart, because I can feel it breaking."  --The Tin Man, in The Wizard of Oz

July 2, 2015

My skin is newspaper thin. As a teacher, I seasoned it up and thickened it for the job, on the job. You can't navigate audiences of adolescents and survive without some hearty defense mechanisms. For every student who loved me, ten probably plotted my very violent death. It's the nature of the beast.

Outside of the classroom, though, I am much too sensitive. I also have a teeny bit of an inferiority complex, which works as a toxic elixir in my precious psyche. So...

I let my feelings get hurt today. 

It happens.

Wait, I write that as if I had a choice in the matter. Did I?

As my upset began to leak out of my eyes, I stopped for a second. Well, in all honesty, I cried on. But while my feelings surged up, my head looked around, bumfuzzled. Why was this hurting so much?

See, I love emotion. I will take jubilant, amused, even sad and angry. It's hurt that has always kicked the sh*t out of me. And I think I've figured out that the root of the most treacherous hurt sinks its claws in when whomever or whatever I care about does not fully reciprocate that same care. It's a terribly lonely feeling, to be adrift in unreturned or unmatched affection. It hurts.

So I did a little digging. The same paths of the brain ignited by physical pain are lit up by emotional hurt. Hurt can even manifest itself in true physical pain. 

A few years ago I was dining with a crew of very dear friends. Some touchy subjects were addressed during the course of the evening. As a troubling topic roared up toward me, one of my pals looked at me with alarm and asked if I was all right. Unconsciously, I had been holding tightly to my chest. I haven't thought about that night in a long while. But my heart hurt. I remember. I think my hand was trying to keep my heart from falling out and rolling across the floor.

Here I am again, trying to keep my insides intact. It's a daunting task, to be sure. Luckily, my head is on straight enough these days that it can intervene on behalf of its emotional counterpart. I'm counting on it. 

Or maybe I just need some new skin...

"You hurt me."

"Yes."

"Don't do it again."

--Pretty Woman