Erma

June 11, 2018

I have regrettable insomnia. Nearly every night between 3 and 5am, I'm up. Call me.

Tonight/this morning, my son and my dog are both snoring beside me. I honestly love the sound. When Drew picked the dog up from the foot of the bed and slid him between us, I was particularly amused. And now Oscar's hot breath, at 4:45 am, is charming.

To fill the moments of the middle night, I decided to read some Erma Bombeck. Here are some gems that make me think we could have been best friends:

Housework can kill you if done right.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Thank you, Erma. Just when I think I'm off the grid, I know at least one other person was once there, too.

The Fridge Pics

June 10, 2018

I'm getting a new fridge today. The old one leaked and over froze and also stopped keeping stuff cool. That's a problem. 

My fridge is covered with pictures. As I dismantled the montage of my life this morning, I took stock of what has comprised my kitchen landscape: my children, their awards, their pals; my parents; the day we got this house; the day we got Oscar; my best pals at happy happy moments; former students; me holding my best friend's first born; the ultrasound of my Drew. There wasn't enough room on that fridge for all the people I love.

You know what? A crowded fridge door is about the best blessing. I don't take it for granted. 

Nor will I take for granted a refrigerator that works.

Not Today Satan

June 7, 2018

I woke up to the news that Anthony Bourdain had taken his life. I had always thought he was arrogant and talented, and I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry about Kate Spade. As a front row spectator and near victim of Mom's suicide, it makes me very sad.

But life does go on. Because I lived, I got to have McDonald's between ballgames this morning with my Dad and Drew and I got to see a very large older man in a tank top that read "NOT TODAY SATAN."

I also got to advise my father that if he EVER wears topsiders, black socks, and camo shorts to read his paper at McDonald's, I will commit him. He thanked me.

He went on to describe some horrible woman he once knew who should be riding a broom.

Sometimes I think I'm being filmed.

Oh...with all the debate love

June 6, 2018

I was a high school debate coach. A public high school. In the midwest. We were competing against fancypants private schools, wealthy to-the-max districts. I had kids in such poverty my father and an assistant principal (and dear friend) and I took him out of a SHED from which he was living. 

We beat them all. The fancies. The privates. The folks with lots of coaches and no bureaucrats on steroids to make everything 1000x more difficult than it needed to be. Golly, do I seem bitter?

I'm not breaking my arm to pat myself on the back. I have colleagues who have done so much more. But tonight I ran up on this pic. It was a holiday party with my squad back in the day in my back yard.

I don't wish to return to those times. They were hard. But I wouldn't give them up for anything. I loved these kids. A lot.

We had so much fun. That's what matters. They learned. We laughed. Done. ❤️

The Pool

May 29, 2018

I have a great, zany pal who built a pool around fifteen years ago. She gave me a key to said pool and told me if I ever called ahead, she would take the key back. Thus and so, my children and friends of mine have had free reign. Unearned, but appreciated more that I can say.

I crave a pool. I crave the ocean. I've informed my kids and parents that once the former are out of the house and the latter depart (not that I anxiously await this horror), I'm relocating to a place where the  waves crash in. I've been landlocked far too long.

I am blessed with a teaching schedule that nourishes my soul with time off in the summer. Today, my Drew and I made our first seasonly visit to Debbie's pool. As I jumped off the diving board, it was an absolute gift.  

There is something about being suspended in water that is freeing and magical.

Debbie Jay-Reichert, thank you for this gift. You have no idea what you have done for us.

The Fall

May 28, 2018

Well, I made a big fool of myself today. See, I'm addicted to the sun, so while every other parent on Drew's team sits in the shade, I sit in the sun. I had not had enough to eat. I had one water. I'm an idiot. 

I stood up after they lost and started to walk toward the other parents and saw stars. I fell down, pseudo-fainting, scraped my knees, and created a scene. It was awesome.

The Mavs moms and dads and staff of the Ballparks of America came to my rescue. I slammed water and protein and I'm fine. Good grief. 

I rock.

The Game

May 27, 2018

Tonight I have to endure an endless 13 year old baseball game against a team from Colorado. The parents are incredibly obnoxious and "instructive" to their offspring. Some in heated Spanish. Do parents really think constantly screaming things at their kids is making a difference?

I was sitting behind home plate and finally had to retreat to a remote area. Sitting in my yellow chair, trying not to kill people, another group of kids from the same franchise (yes, there are youth franchises to whom you donate much of your salary) came and stood beside me and blocked my view of the plate. I ended up with my face pressed against the fence trying to see.

At one point, I mentioned to a kid, "hey bud, I was here first," and he moved about 5 inches away. Then another one appeared and blocked me even further and I snapped. I said, "hey dude, I don't mean to be a d*ck, but I was trying to see people bat."

There was zero awareness of the people around them. And I was kind. Sort of. They have no idea of what I am capable. I taught public school, for heaven's sake.

Earlier in the day we got to experience an umpire who undoubtedly fashions himself a comedian and/or the most important person on the planet. You can't make it up!

I am competitive and I am a believer in supporting my kids. But there comes a point when you want to look at some peeps and say "LIGHTEN UP."

We are tied. It's been three hours.

Give me strength.

That's all.